Can Kindness Help?

So, if you don’t know what to make of this, then we will not relate.

The above line is a song lyric from the band The Head and The Heart. The song is Rivers and Roads. I haven’t listened closely enough to decipher what they meant, but the line stuck with me. It’s such a simple way to understand the deep emotional turmoil that I feel when I don’t understand why people don’t understand what I understand.

Photo by Matt Collamer on Unsplash

I’ve been staring that this blinker on the white blank page all day. We’ve had snow where I live so schools are closed and no one is going anywhere. This means I have time to write. Time to write never results in good writing. If I have time to write that means I also have time to do other things like stare at social media, shop online for swimsuits that I won’t buy and go into my kitchen searching for snacks. The more time I have to write-the less good writing I actually get done. This is a fact.

However, writing something right now feels very important. I put words to things- and right now there are a lot of things. In addition to my own personal things-like coping with the death of my father one month ago. I’m also wrangling with being a human in what feels like the end of humanity. I’ve watched the same videos that you’ve watched. I’ve seen the same reels that you’ve seen. (Well, maybe not. It could be the algorithm that is making it so hard for some of us to relate).

I write mostly about sobriety. Thanks to sobriety I have accountability. Not just to my family but also to my community. And the accountability to my community thing is what I want to write about.

In the last hour:

I’ve written a list of books I recommend to become a more informed citizen. (I quickly deleted. Too preachy).

I’ve written about how complicated it is to talk about politics in places like this. (Also deleted promptly-filled with justifications).

I’ve written about something that I’m calling phone aversion paralysis. It’s a made up disease that causes deep fear and lack of motion when I need to call people like Senators. Or, when I need to call to refill a prescription, call and order food or call to make doctor’s appointments. (I’m gonna do some research on this piece and write more later because I know I’m not alone).

And now I’m writing this thing I’m writing.

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What I want to say is so simple. It’s about things that children learn in preschool. It’s about being kind and caring. It’s about that song my kids sang when they watched Daniel Tiger “It’s Great To Be Kind.”

It’s about how it’s kind to care about your neighbors and to want safety for them.

It’s about fear. I fear that if we’re not kind-if we start making these unkind things okay-we will become desensitized.

Mostly, I want to clarify that kind does not mean polite. Oftentimes, the kind thing to do is also the hard thing to do.

As a people pleasing, fawning perfectionist, I’ve confused kind for a long time. I thought kind meant agreeable. I thought it meant smiling when I was offended, staying quiet when I should’ve spoken up, trying to minimize conflict by appeasing someone and ensuring that I stayed “polite” at all times. This style of living required numbing-hence my issues with alcohol.

It’s why writing this piece is so hard. I just want to be liked and make sure everyone feels okay about everything.

The truth is, being polite is actually not kind. In fact, it’s sneaky-manipulative even. It means not being truthful.

What I now understand is that standing up to bullies is kind. Curiosity is kind. Listening is kind. Donating is kind. Calling and voicing your opinion is kind (while excruciating). Allowing yourself to fully feel your feelings (even rage) is kind. Properly grieving is kind. Accepting help is kind. Changing your opinion once you learn more is kind. Admitting when you’re wrong is kind. Giving a hug is kind. Softening is kind. Praying is kind. Getting out of your comfort zone is kind. Using empathy is kind.

Is this what I wanted to write? Not really.

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Everyday I get an email from a fellow author Jeff Kober. He gives a Vedic Meditation For The Day that comes to my inbox as soon as I wake up. I have the luxury of knowing him-we were in a writing group together. And, I laugh because he plays the villain on my mom’s favorite soap opera. She doesn’t believe me when I tell her how kind he is.

Today’s email from Jeff started with this quote:

So we all serve all of life through all of our spiritual endeavors--everything that we surrender to God for the good of all, every advance, every forgiveness that we personally do, every time we let go of feeling sad and unhappy, every negativity we let go--benefits all of mankind. Consequently, anyone who is in spiritual endeavor is of service to man at all times just by their intention.

David R. Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D.,

Realizing the Root of Consciousness

I’ve learned enough about spiritual bypassing and how complicated it is to say things like “you should just meditate or pray” when there are actions people can take to stand up for the rights of others. So, I’m not suggesting that just by “being happy” we can save MN.

But, yesterday, after taking in copious amounts of news, I went out into public. I found myself feeling very anxious-thinking that something bad might happen. I looked at everyone with anger. Did you do this? I wondered. I was snappy with my daughter and couldn’t relax. Walls were up, my guard was guarding and negativity was the energy that I was emitting. It seeped into my family and before I knew it we were all agitated. I created that. I created a hateful and stressed environment.

What if instead, I’d been kind?

Kind to myself: Samantha, you’re feeling this way because you repeatedly saw the horrific events of the last few days and you’re angry and scared. Take a deep breath.

Kind to my neighbors: Did you do this? If so, why? Help me understand why you support ICE? Do we have any common ground?

Kind to my daughter: I know that current events in the news are affecting you-let’s talk about it.

To be clear-kindness is not a method to excuse acts of hatred. It’s just a different approach to resisting. One that might lead the outcome I hope for-peace and justice for all.

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Want to read about my sobriety? Check out my book here.

Want me to help you with your writing? Check out one of my workshops.

Check out my article published on Jane Friedman’s blog.