A few days ago I was scrolling on Instagram (via my desktop computer because I can’t have something that addictive on my phone) and I came across a post by the brilliant sober coach, Veronica Valli. She posted a message on how to move past feelings of regret for things done while drunk. But then she said something that triggered me-“my fuck ups weren’t just when I was intoxicated. I made bad decisions and said and did things I regretted when I wasn’t drinking.”
Same girl. Same.
I’m approaching 8 years of sobriety. Over these last sober years my life has transformed. I’ve changed careers at least four times. I’ve been through tremendous highs and dark lows. I’ve gone from having babies to having teens. I’ve done a lot of therapy, internal work and healing. With each passing year I’ve gained knowledge, perspective and insight that has taken me further away from that disastrous drunk girl I was once was.
Because of this work-I’ve (mostly) forgiven myself for the things that I did when I was drunk. The times I neglected my children. The times I was too hungover to smile at them when they woke up. The times I hurt people, abandoned myself and was completely irresponsible.
But what about when I wasn’t drunk? Have I forgiven myself for those things too?
Those of you who have lived your life between drunk and hungover know there’s little room for much else. When you’re not drinking, you’re self loathing about how much you drank, obsessing about when you can drink again and spending all of your time googling how to get rid of anxiety.
During my twenties, when I wasn’t drinking I was a shaky and an insecure mess of a human. I had no values or morals-or if I did, I abandoned them at the hope of acceptance by whatever person I was with at the moment. I hoped that they would like me long enough to go out for happy hour. It looked like people pleasing, lying and manipulation. I often dismissed others feelings because I only cared about whatever would bring me instant gratification. This resulted in loads of debt and self loathing.
During my thirties, when I wasn’t drinking I was impatient, self centered and only really cared about my “internal crisis.” I tried desperate measures to feel better which included other vices like talking bad about people, scrolling endlessly and lying to myself about how “fine” I was. This resulted in anxiety, insomnia and isolation.
Even today, after all this work-all of the lessons learned, I still make a lot of mistakes that I regret. I say things that I don’t mean. I hurt people accidentally (and sometimes intentionally). I seek a quick dopamine hit in the form of gossip or secretly indulging in someone else’s pain. I’m sometimes so caught up in my head that I haven’t paid any attention to what is happening in the current moment or noticed the pain and suffering of others around me.
These regrets cut deep. They are thoughts that sometimes plummet into my brain when I’m standing in line at the grocery store thinking I’m having a good day. I should’ve known better! God you’re such an asshole Samantha! What the actual fuck was I thinking when I said that?!?!
It’s harder to forgive myself. I’ve lost friendships for reasons I can’t quite understand- but know that I’m responsible for. There were times that I could’ve done something to be proud of and instead I did nothing at all. I’ve lost patience, snapped or lashed out for all the wrong reasons.
Since I stopped drinking, my anxiety has healed. But, I still have bouts of perfectionism. I somehow think if I claim all of my mistakes, apologize for them and explain why I did them that I might scrub it all clean and rid myself of every smudge. But I can’t. Mistakes are part of being human and perfectionism is a lie-one that ruins any chance at self love and compassion.
And so, what triggered me about Veronica’s post was the reminder that I am not perfect and that sobriety-while the biggest solution to the problem-doesn’t fix everything. I still have to do the internal work of getting comfortable with all of my shortcomings, mistakes and wrongdoings (and if you’ve ever used alcohol to numb those exact feelings, you know that this part of sobriety absolutely sucks).
Sobriety doesn’t mean I’m exempt from having to apologize or accept when I’m wrong. Sobriety doesn’t mean a life free of mistakes. The mistakes I make now are of sound mind and body-making them a hard pill to swallow.
I still experience shame and guilt. While my shame spirals are nothing like they used to be, I find that without ongoing self care, they are just right there lingering around the surface waiting to emerge, bring me down trying to make me hate myself again. Sometimes they succeed.
I know what I have to do and why these feelings are here. They usually mean that there’s still something that needs attention, needs healing and that I haven’t quite moved through. They are prompted by PMDD, perimenopause and something I’m calling mid-life grief (the grieving of my youth and time I can’t get back).
I have to double down on my meditation in order to not spiral too far past or freak about the future. I have to move my body daily, journal my thoughts and talk to my therapist. I have to set boundaries and allow myself to feel feelings of discomfort.
Sigh.
It’s work and it’s never-ending but I’ve already tried the alternative. Numbing never worked for me. It was a temporary short term solution that only made monsters in my head.
All of this to say that regret is a normal part of life. I like to think that regret shows up because I’ve tried at something. I did things, said things and acted on things that I thought might help ease pain or suffering of some kind. I won’t find peace by avoiding life or ever making mistakes. I can only accept that as long as I live I will experience a little regret. Much in the same way that I experience aging, gray hair and wrinkles.
I can work with it and allow it to serve me when I need to say I’m sorry but also let it go when it’s not serving me (and potentially causing shame and guilt). Feelings of regret only shows me that I care deeply. I do want what’s best-the highest good for all. What is so wrong with that?
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Love it! I did have those regrets as well. I guess these show the tension between “what you did” and “what you now do”. Addiction controls us, it overrides our internal systems. My personal experience is this: after years of therapy and digging deep, I accepted the answers that emerged. This process liberated me from the past. Regrets were remnants of that past. Now, I focus on how well I feel being sober. But every path is different. Thank you for showing up so truly.
Love these insights. Thank you 🙏