May Is Mental Health Awareness Month

And My Mental Health is a Dumpster Fire Right Now

Photo by Emily Underworld on Unsplash

May is mental health awareness month. My battle with anxiety is what led me to finding sobriety and over the years I have talked non stop about the importance of caring for your mental health. Usually, around this time of year, I write something about mental health resources that people can use to help themselves or send along to someone they love. I also share the story of my past mental health issues and how I overcame some of my most severe struggles (spoiler alert-it was sobriety). But this month, I’m unable to do any of that, because if I’m being completely honest, my mental health is a dumpster fire.

So here’s some real talk on mental health struggles.

I began the month having intrusive thoughts. Thoughts that would enter my mind and make me feel like I’m a bad person when I was driving or cooking dinner. These thoughts began to cause feelings of shame and guilt. They started small, like reminding me of something I did recently that I could have handled better (like being more friendly to the checkout person at the store). But then they started growing bigger. I was beginning to have intrusive daily thoughts about things that I have done in the past that are bad. Like when I let a friend down. The times that I abandoned my values to people please. All the stupid mistakes I made as a young person. All of the parenting mistakes that I’ve made. These thoughts were coming in non stop leaving me with feelings of worthlessness, humiliation and making me feel like I am bad/wrong/not of value to anything or anyone.

The thoughts were really just a warning sign that I needed to double down on my mental health practices; journaling, meditation, movement, rest and start taking my vitamins again. But, if you’ve ever experienced thoughts like this then you know that they can grow so loud that you literally can’t hear the soft words nudging you to take care of yourself. Instead you spend your time ruminating in a cycle that seems unbearable to come out of.

Then I got picked to be on a Grand Jury. The job of a Grand Juror is to listen to crime cases and decide whether or not there is enough “probable cause” or evidence to indict the person charged with the crime. So, as someone who purposely avoids shows like Dateline, CSU or even the nightly news because I know that crime cases trigger my anxiety, I was now picked to have a front row seat to all the crimes happening in my city (even my neighborhood).

Being on Grand Jury also means a complete disruption of my daily schedule, something that is a first line of defense against anxiety creeping in. Instead of starting my morning by meditating, journaling, and exercise, I am gulping down coffee and running out the door. In other words, instead of doubling down, I haven’t been doing any of it at all. This led to lack of sleep (which is another non negotiable coping skill for anxiety) resulting in more racing thoughts.

Which brings me to a few days ago. I went to visit my dad, who has dementia and he was having a good day. He knew me by name and called me “baby” like he always has. When it was time to go, he asked me not to leave. He never does this, not when he was well and not since he’s been sick. But I had to go, because I’m in this weird phase of life where I’m still his daughter but I’m an adult with my own kids and life that I have to get back to. It’s hard. (And if you know, you know). As I left, I couldn’t help but really miss him. Not just the him that was sitting in front of me but the him that I can no longer talk to, ask questions of or sit outside with. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back, sending me into deep grief that lasted for days.

I’ve done enough work to see what’s going on. My lack of self care led to an increase in anxiety, ADHD and perfectionist symptoms (aka OCD). Then my continued lack of self care followed by non use of healthy coping skills has stirred up a big batch of poor mental health soup.

I know I will come out of this. Mostly I know this because I don’t drink anymore. I won’t self sabotage like I used to. I won’t make things worse by attempting not to feel or numbing myself. Because of sobriety, I can trust that I will come back to myself and take care of my mental health needs. I start by acknowledging what’s going on. Then, begin to string together a few days of meditation, journaling, movement and even seeing my therapist again. After a bit, I know I’ll be able to see some light. It will be enough to keep me going back for more light until there is only a bit of darkness left.

While I know that what I’m experiencing is hardly a crisis-I’m not suicidal, I’m not using drugs and alcohol, I’m not engaging in other forms of self harm, I’m completely safe and don’t have to deal with this on top of any kind of systematic oppression, poverty or abuse of any kind-I still think it’s worth mentioning.

It’s the little things like this that someone you work with or are driving next to might be experiencing. This might be why someone was short, or rude or not paying attention. It might be why someone didn’t seem interested or rolled their eyes. It might by why someone forgot to text you back or said something insensitive. It might be why someone forgot to call you on your birthday. Not every person experiencing mental health symptoms is in a doctor’s office or at the hospital. Some of them are sitting right next to you doing their very best to try to be the person you want them to be but instead, their mind is consumed with panic and thoughts they could never bare to express for fear of sounding crazy.

If we do anything this month to become more aware of mental health, we can first begin with the understanding that not everything is at it seems. On top of having this shitty mental health month I’ve done my job well as a juror. I’ve worked with my clients and helped them work through some of their writing issues. I’ve been there as a friend. I’ve been someone’s hype girl (her words not mine). I’ve shown up for my family, cooked meals, done laundry and more. From the outside looking in it might look like I don’t struggle with my mental health at times, but I do.

To be aware is to know that if you’re struggling, you are not alone. Being aware means that if it’s not you that’s having a mental health issue, it’s likely that someone you know is. In fact, millions of people report that they struggle with their mental health (one in five people to be exact). With this awareness in mind, maybe we can offer more kindness, love and acceptance. Maybe we can be more patient, more understanding and offer more empathy. Maybe we can listen. Maybe we continue to share our own story to break the silence and stigma for someone else.

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Speaking of Mental Health Awareness:

My good friend Laura just wrote the most beautiful book about her journey through treatment resistant depression. She is sharing her story as living proof that you can recover. Buy her book here.

Find my story of (mostly) healing my anxiety here and how sobriety has solved 99 of my problems.

In need of mental health resources? Check out this site.